It's your smile that gets me baby

Another day has gone by. I won't deny I am so tempted to text him. Of course, I try to focus o other things. But I am in that state, that state where you perpetually think of other things and when you don't expect it... it hits you. And when it does hit me, I kind of get a bit irritated. And after the initial irritation, I get a little tingle in my stomach. That feeling I get when I realize something important, you know, like missing someone.

Okay, I am all emo this very minute. I totally love Craig David's new song. Oh, and the song Collide by Howie Day. I just love the line: I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind.

Enough songs!

I just want to say that I miss texting him and that I'm a bit disappointed that he hasn't even texted me. Why expect in the first place? Because I am stupid. Hahaha. I want to make him realize that he misses me. And I sure do hope he does realize it. Rawr. Painful.

I'm starting to think that I am risking the wrong things.

Maybe with H it would have been great.
With R maybe it just wasn't the right time.
And B simply would have been great but it wouldn't have stability.

I finally let my feelings go with R and it wasn't as I expected.
With H, I held my feelings, and now what? What if he was the one I should have held on to?

Man. Better yet just keep going on with life. Am I sounding bitter? No. I'd just rather be careful. Very careful. I'll lie low a bit and see what happens. Maybe it will put things in perspective.

What do I like about him again?
His humor. His smile. The way he lets his unlit cig hang from his mouth which makes him look funny. The way he laughs (he sounds a bit high). That face he gives me when he disagrees. The way he says "Really?". Oh my gawd.

What the hell?

Why?

I don't know. I REALLY don't know.

Dencio's Sisig

Last night, over some beer, marlboro lights and sisig (and my bud Lester's order which is called pansit ligaya, which we call pansit Happiness) and the said pansit at Dencio's in Metrowalk... we talked about our loves. How could we not be in a such a senti mood, all the songs playing just screamed SENTIMENTAL!

Anyway, since I last wrote.. I mentioned there was a guy I wanted to kiss... well, I already did!
Omigod!

The only feeling I had after was like... I don't know but I was so happy. It's like I couldn't believe it actually happened!

Then it happened the a 2nd time again.

Then a 3rd.

But by the 3rd kiss I felt a bit silly. Nothing was really progressing so I asked point blank.
Well, I got an answer alright. We're friends and there's a little attraction. But he's still kissing me back.

So now, I dont' want to kiss him anymore. But we will still be friends. We will still hang-out and drink and smoke. But as friends only.

I'm just a bit sad that I was mistaken.
I was thinking I could get him. But apparently, I didn't get him enough.
Crap talaga.

I thought everything would fall into place!
And it didn't.
Now I'm confused. I know I can treat him as a friend. But I don't know what I will do with what I feel. Because if I close it up and forget it, it's final. No more. But I'm afraid if I do that, it'd all be a waste. And yes, I thought I was in-love with him. But I realized a few days after that I wasn't but I do have feelings. I don't know what to feel anymore.

Sometimes I ask myself why don't I just go on with life, don't bother with guys...
but when I do that, someone just comes along. And I have no expectations. And then something happens. When it does, I can't stop myself. Well either I stop myself to early or to late.

I risked it. I made a compromise. And I feel so stupid for doing something like that. I mean I finally compromise and it doesn't turn out the way I hoped it would.

At least I don't regret kissing him. Because when I kissed him, it felt so nice. So did the 2nd and 3rd kiss. I haven't felt like that for a long time. That feeling. Even if I try to describe it... words won't be enough.

So I guess I'm just going to lie low for awhile. And never kiss him again. If I do then I've probably gone crazy already. I guess that's what I'll do then, keep myself sane enough. Although I will miss kissing him.

Do you know how it feels?

I think I'm going berserk! I'm feeling something for someone. More like I think I'm falling. And he doesn't really need to do anything much because I'm smitten. I'm smitten! When I think about him I can't help but smile and want to kiss his red lips. The best I could actually do was pinch both his cheeks and silently say to myself, damn, I want to kiss you.

What the hell is he doing to make me feel this way? Whaaat? Maybe it's the way he smiles and grins. The way he laughs. The way he tries to pretend he's innocent when he's trying to play a joke on me. The way his presence can make me feel like I'm eating a hundred hershey bars.

When we talk, it seems I can tell him anything without being judged. I can share the things I want to achieve. I can tell him the very simple things that fascinate me no matter how shallow it is. With him, I'm not afraid to be me. I'm not afraid of making mistakes. I'm not afraid of admitting that I'm so clueless at times. I'm not afraid of doing what I want.

It's all about feeling free when I'm around him.

I wish I knew exactly how he felt. I mean sure, I know atleast he likes me a bit. But that's all. And for some strange reason, I do wish that I knew how he felt and at the same time it's kind of okay that thing's aren't progressing as fast as the pace of city life.

Gawsh. Am I forgetting that I can be as stubborn and unfeeling as a rock when it comes to believing that someone has feelings for me. Even if he shows that he cares, does sweet things for me, but if he doesn't say it out bluntly that he likes me, I will not assume anything. Sure I'll think maybe he likes me but to put a deeper meaning to it is something I wouldn't do.

Sometimes I am tempted to fish out details from friends but I try to restrain myself.
I' m kind of afraid that if I find out that he does like me, then it's like putting the cherry on top of the ice cream. All of a sudden I might just wake up and realize that I'm inlove with him and there's nothing I can do about it.

Okay I am so way ahead of myself. I am "secretly" hoping that I am once again right.

Thoughts from those days

Why is it? Why does it happen? Everytime a love song that was given to me by my ex-boyfriend plays, I am transported back in time to those days.

Those days when I wasn't single.
Those days when someone greeted me every single morning with an I love you.
Those days when he'd pick me up from school and we'd watch a movie and stay out 'til it was late.
Those days when starbucks wasn't just coffee, it was venti caramel macchiato racing, drink it like you would in a beer bong minus the alcohol.
Those days when no matter how awful I looked, he simply smiled and kissed my insecurities away. Those days when we held hands even while he was driving.
Those days when kissing seemed to be such a natural way of expression for everything I felt for him.
Those days when just his voice would already make my day.
Those days when goodbye meant only being apart temporarily.
Those days when we'd watch the stars in the sky twinkle and imagine they were ours.
Those days when japanese food wasn't japanese food without him ordering tempura, 2 orders of tuna sashimi and special fried rice.
Those days when romance by ralph lauren for men and women were our perfumes.
Those days when the red traffic light meant it was kissing time in between traffic.
Those days when I knew I always had someone who would take me home and tuck me into bed if I got wasted.
Those days when the sunset meant forever and growing old with each other.
Those days when the mushiest love letters seemed so normal.
Those days when my life was like a fairytale.
Those days when I had the man I could imagine the future with.

Those days.

Not that I'm not over him. It's just that when I hear those songs I remember what we had. This is not the sound of bitterness or regret. It is just me, remembering. You can't help but remember because those days, if ever anybody can say they've had those days, were special. And they will always be remembered that way.

Even if I do find someone else... it doesn't hurt to remember that there was someone who once made you feel so special. And if this person who comes along gives me those days once again, then I know that I've found the person. I've found him again.