This it it!!!(?)

Is it really official? I am actually graduating? I can't believe how 5 years can go by so fast... (1 year in dlsu and 4 years in UP) surreal... so surreal. Like I'm not going to be worrying about enroling and getting the subjects I need for the following sem, thesis, group work, case studies, org stuff, my gawd. This is it. It's official as Jaybee would say. And this time, it really is.

Fast forward... April 19--- college graduation... everyone of course broke the dress code heehee. But I have to say, everybody looked fab. Another grad this sunday, the univ grad... I think we get medals now.

I can't sleep. I wish I could but I don't feel sleepy at all.

My short break from reality

At 2pm today, I knew I needed to get out. I needed some stress release. I needed some time away from home and school. I invited my friend Roj to watch a movie with me, since he watched 300 already, I couldn't drag him to see it again... so we watched "The Pathfinder". It's a good movie, but gory. Think: Vikings. Ruthless killer. Savages. But anyhoot, I thought I was going to be relaxed but the fight scenes were a bit bothersome at times and there were a lot of twist and turns... I swear, I kept putting my hands to my mouth to keep from gasping. Roj on the other made funny comments, kept me entertained as well and did his signature german/british and arnold voice... hilarious!

Well, it was a change of scenery and all, which was refreshing. I just needed that. Plus, I enjoyed. The company, the viking movie... and a fastfood dinner at Mcdo... (sorry to roj, he was hinting he wanted hot shots)I said a place that serves dessert. As stress prevents me from eating cos I feel weird, like I wanna throw up. It's the feeling of uneasiness combined with pressure and stress... so I just eat light and go for dessert.

I'm starting to feel better. It's a nice change. Roj is actually really a monster in disguise, he's not really human... his blood composition is basically 60% alcohol and 40% music. On better days he seems human (if you disregard the wacky, very wacky voices he does) and on days when his alco level is up... that's another story... Heehee.

I like people who can make me laugh or smile. It brings a certain lightness to any crappy day. So find people who can make you laugh, they're assets, believe me.

Zboy and his doggie heaven

Not all blog entries are happy, frustrating, crazy or funny. This one's sad.

Came home from my drinking "stress release" sesh early this morning to find one of my dogs peacefully sleeping. He had been shivering when I last saw him this morning... Mom covered him in a blankie. But when I saw him last, he was covered in his blankie... he slipped quietly away just in a span of 2 hours when nobody was with him. Apparently, I arrived. I saw him. I called out to him, but he didn't move. I went to the dogs den, I petted him, no response. Getting desperate, I gently shook him while saying his name repeatedly... he was stiff. He was cold. I cried... zboy... I kept saying, as if to wake him up. It seemed so surreal. Draco, our other boy dog was sick too apparently, but the girl dogs, Luna and Cassie, they were fine. I knew Zboy was gone, I cried and kissed him goodbye. And I went to my parents room... all I said was "Mom---" then I cried. I couldn't talk. I cried. My Mom embraced me, herself crying. I uttered... Zboy's dead. He's dead. We all went down, and cried. I even woke my sis up to tell her that our beloved Zboy passed away. My other sister arrived at 4.30 am... and upon learning the news when she arrived, she cried too. Zboy was her dog. Zboy was my fave dog from his litter. He was the one I named. He was the one I used to bring up to room to sleep beside me on my bed. I remember, when he'd used to get scared (a lotta times really), he'd hug my leg, standing up, his hind legs supporting him, while his front legs clamped on my leg. Sometimes, when I'd get home "early" in the morning half drunk, or just plain stressed, I'd lie down on the floor and zboy and draco would lie beside me.

I didn't sleep, I watched over Draco with Mom until 8am. I was awake for 24 hours already. I had no appetite, I just wanted to lie down and cry. I kept remembering my beloved Zboy. I haven't smiled today. I feel tired. I feel weak.

Sometimes, there are events that you never expect to happen. The effect is devastating. You just have to deal with it. I have to deal with my grief. All I pray for now is for him to be in doggie heaven, where he will never be scared again.

Ees ofeeshal, aym goween crazee!

If you think thesis draft deadline is bad enough, it being tom. Add an exam, also scheduled for tom. I think I'm losing it. I can barely think, let alone process the data I gathered for my thesis. This is too much. When I think about the week that lies ahead... I don't know how I'll manage. I have 2 exams and our poster presentation/defense. Gawd, taking 21 units this sem is definitely taking its toll on me. I'm thinking of ways on how to relieve stress. I can't cry because no tears flow, I can't scream because I'm not mad or frustrated, I can't sleep because I'm too preoccupied, I can't even eat, because I've lost my appetite. My yin-yang is all jumbled up!

Sometimes, I want to just space out. Get lost in a world of endless dreams. But I know, this too shall pass. This burden, it shall pass. Unfortunately, I gotta pass before it passes. Haha.

I'm really losing it. Maybe I need sleep, I got only 3 hours of sleep last night/morning. It's that bad. Sooner or later I'm just going collapse. I've lost my enthusiasm. It has been replaced by dread. Stress. Fatigue.

Worse part? I'm in it alone. I don't like ranting to other people anymore, because if I did that I'd be ranting my ass off every single day. I just sit here, type away, silent, listening to music... repeating "This too shall pass" in my already burned brain cells. My only solace is when I sleep. Because when I sleep, I do nothing but dream. I don't have to think so hard. I just have to let myself go to sleep then everything just flows from there. Then I wake up, I remember the things I have to do. I have to find some kind of divine intervention to give me back my enthusiasm, now replaced with a perpetual snappy schizo woman.

I'm done with my drama. I'm going back to doing my thesis. I haven't got a choice in this matter really. I do want to graduate. Therefore I have to accomplish my thesis. I sound mechanical don't I?

I look forward to getting some sleep. At least there's no thesis in the land of dreams.

Mock Conversation with LOVE

Am I a hopeless romantic? A romantic yes, but hopeless? I never really search for that elusive thing we call love. Actually, it's not as elusive as people think. It's just there, somewhere, ready to pop out and say surprise with a big fat grin on it's face.

Our conversation would go something like this:

(L for Love and M for Me)

L: Surpriiiiiise!!!! (Grins)
M: Mehn, I thought I escaped you the last time, now you're here again...
L: You're such a hopeless romantic.
M: Not that hopeless, I'm just trying to figure out a plan...
L: There you go with plans again, it doesn't work that way with me, silly
M: You're stike 3 and more with me already, you've got wrong timing
L: You just refuse
M: Refuse, hell yes, you know what happens when I let myself go.
L: I do, and I would love to see that again.
M: You know I can control myself most of the time. I can hold back.
L: ...Then think about it a bazillion times, whether you should have been more honest about what you felt.
M: You know me, and you know me well. If only loving didn't come end with so much pain.
L: Oh don't give me that. You expect it to be that easy? That simple? Loving is loving, pain is an expression of the heart when it loses something so precious that it finds hard to let go.
M: I don't want to have to bother myself with such torment while I'm taking 21 units in school, plus I'm graduating. I'm scared to feel such intense pain, I just might go poof! Then pass out on the floor or something. It's enough stress as it is.
L: It's a choice. I'm just here.
M: I know you are.
L: Always.
M: You know what?
L: I know.
M: How'd you know what I was thinking?
L: I'm love, I may not be a mind- reader, but I can feel your thoughts and emotions.
M: Feel ei?
L: I know you want to fall in-love. You want to give your love to somebody worth it.
M: Exactly.
L: You're aware that when you say somebody worth it, that's by your standards. Even if the person is imperfect, he still can be worth it.
M: Can you love a person you're not supposed to love? (I bring my face closer to love, and I still fail to see love's face... maybe love has no face... no concrete form)
L: That sounds cliche to me. But yes, it's always a choice. And there are corresponding consequences.
M: Crap. I knew it. As always. Karma.
L: Love is a serious matter.
M: (I roll my eyes) I know.
L: That's why you keep postponing it. Somehow, I think you're crazy but atleast you take me seriously.
M: I do. That's why I don't commit when I know I won't be serious.
L: I get you.
M: Alright. I'm getting all emo here. Why don't you lurk around first, I think I'm about to give in to you soon.
L: I'm keeping my hopes up, even if the person you're thinking of isn't the perfect candidate.
M: Don't judge me. You're not supposed to be judgemental LOVE! But for the record, I know. That's why I am thinking about it.
L: I'll be here. Lurking around. Call me if and when you're ready.
M: Yea yea yea... later... maybe later...

-END-

Pre-Hell Week

With thesis deadline looming ahead, I gotta FOCUS! I've been distracted lately. Apparently, I have been PMS-ing a lot. But that's over. I've been feeling much better. My monday was crappy, tuesday well, I attended all my classes, wednesday, did our group paper for our business policy class, thursday skipped my PI 100 class and Friday, narcoleptic during geology... was prepping myself for a stressful weekend yesterday, had a quick beer because I needed to pick my sis up at school. Saturday? Good news, thesis draft is due on the 15th instead of the 12th. Yes.

Actually, underneath it all, I was really miserable to begin with. I pissed off somebody I cared about because I was having a crappy monday. I apologized in the evening. We spoke briefly and he made me realize something, he was right. I hurt him even if he hasn't done anything to hurt me. Plus, I didn't know he was sick... and stressed, and that I was adding to his stress, so I was extra guilty. I guess I'm a bit selfish sometimes. My friend didn't even talk to me until today. I asked him if he was still mad at me, he said he wasn't mad, he was pissed. But after he explained some stuff... I couldn't utter a word, because everything he said was right. I hate it sometimes when I know I'm wrong and the other person is right. But that's life. ADAM B. Anger Denial Acceptance Moving on B!atch!

So there, now I feel a bit better. And I feel a bit silly too. I did that? My gawd! Reality Bites. Poof!

Questions that need answers!

Questions to answer when feeling blue, bored, sleepy, weepy, etc. This is the time to answer truthfully. Because if you don't then there's no purpose answering it.


1. Single or Taken: I think I'm single...

2. Happy about: being alive and blessed with a lot of good things

3. Siblings: 3 (Kaye, Amanda and Karlo)

4. Eye color: black

5. shoe size: 9 (bigfoot)

6. Height: 5'2" (I think so)

7. What are you wearing right now? Shorts and a pink tee.

8. Righty or lefty: Righty. Though I wish could be ambidextrose.

9. Can you make a dollar in change right now: That's like 50 bucks right, yeah, lotsa coins here

10. Best place to go for a date: I like Rockwell, after dinner you can walk around... plus not a lot
of people.

=FAVORITES=

11. Kind of pants: as long as it is stretch and hip hugging

12. Number: 13 (that was my varsity football number)

13. Animals: Dogs and Cats. If you don't like them, don't come to my house.

14. Drink(non alcoholic): Sorry, it's plural for me, decaf/regular iced caramel macchiato non-fat milk, toffee nut latte, signature iced choco with a shot of mint and iced chai tea latte. Yeah baby!

15. Sport to watch: On tv? Gymnastics, ice skating (they both fascinate me!) but usually it's tennis or basketball (UAAP). If live, UAAP basketball

16. Month: I was born August but I'd say December cos it's christmas break, plus you get money too!

17. Juice: Guava juice from starbucks

18. Favorite cartoon character: Asterix (Do people still know him?)

=Have You Ever...=

19. Given anyone a bath: yeah, heehee

20. Made yourself throw-up? yes, when I feel dizzy lying down in bed after a drinking sesh, gotta get it out of my system!

21. Gone skinny dipping? Nope but I'd like too, in some secluded island in Palawan

22. Eaten a dog? Wouldn't dream of it.

23. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes. We all have those moments.

24. Broken a bone? Nope

25. Played truth or dare? That's passe! "I've never..." is the new drinking game!

26. Been on a plane? Yeah, I was even left by one. Poo!

27. Came close to dying? When I couldn't breathe because of the pain in my chest when my ex and I broke-up. Ooh drama...

28. Been in a sauna? At PCA and at a spa

29. Been in a hotub? Yes, when I want to relax... I get my aromatherapy burning and my strawberry bubble bath and a book

30. Swam in the ocean? You mean like open sea ocean? No. But the sea, yes.

31. Fallen asleep in school? Always. Doesn't matter if I'm in front. I am ruthless. I am narcoleptic when the clock strikes 2:30PM

32. Ran away? Thought of it.

33. Broken someone's heart? Yes.

34. Cried when someone died? Yes. Grandparents, a tito and a cousin. I'm emotional.

35. Cried in school? Yes. A lot of times.

36. Fell off your chair? Nope.

37. Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? Yeah, in my younger days, but I don't remember who I was waiting for.

38.Saved AIM conversations? Nowp... not my thing

39. Made out with JUST a friend? Yes. Nothing really wrong with that. Unless your friend has a girlfriend.

40. Used someone? Nope. But I do get my way.

41. Been cheated on? Yah, my 1st boyfriend, but we were going to break up na rin so it didn't matter. He admitted it to me when he wanted to get back with me, he wanted to be honest.

=What is...=

42. Your good luck charm? My religious gold necklace from Mom

43. New fav. song? Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani feat. Akon

44. What is beside you? My work table with my coffee (in my personalized starbucks tumbler of course!) and my cell phones.

45. Last thing you ate? Chicharon. Yum.

46. What kind of shampoo/conditioner: Head and Shoulders, the pink one. But I alternate shampoos to prevent build-up in my hair. So I have beer shampoo from watsons, coconut shampoo and an organic bar shampoo I bought at Tiendesitas

=Ever Had..=

47. Chicken pox: Yep, when I was a kid

48. Sore Throat: Yeah, even a mild case of tonsilitis.

49. Stitches: Don't think so.

50. Broken nose: Nowp

=Do You...=

51. Believe in love at first sight? I want to but I'm half skeptic about that

52. Long distant relationships? on my part, yes. I'm a very loyal person.

53. Like school? Hell yeah!

54. Question? Yes, when I am all fired up!

55. Who was the last person that called you? My sis Amanda, when we were in the grocery, she
was asking which aisle I was in.

56. Who was the last person you slowdanced with? Roj I think, out of fun

57. Who makes you smile the most? Somebody who says something to make my day

58. Who knows you the best? Martha and Jaybee

59. Do you like filling these out: Yes. Yes. Yes.

60. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: I wear contacts because I lost my nice italian glasses

61. Do you like yourself: Yes.

62. Do you get along with your family? Yep, love them to bits

=Are You...=

63. Obsessive Compulsive? depends what we're talking about here

64. Suicidal? Nope. No reason to be.

65. What did you do yesterday? Paid my globe bill, went to the grocery, and cooked clam chowder!

66. Hated someone in your life? hate is a strong word. Maybe disliked somebody. Yes. Many times.

Thesis Shmesis

I miss my i-pod. All 20 gigs of it. The songs I used to play. Its pink and black tattoo. All my pictures. All gone. That's just one of my drama moments.

Now, on a lazy sunday afternoon, I sit here, thinking of so many things. I can't pinpoint anything in particular. Maybe I am just pms-ing.

Here I am, transcribing my interview with the Boracay Tropics Resort Manager I interviewed when I went to Bora. This is harder than I thought. It's like crunch time already... thesis draft is due soon, and I just started processing my data. Poof!

What escape is there? None. A month to go.

And I'm leaving on a jet plane--- no, wait! I'm not on it!!!

"How am I supposed to go home???" I said to the clerk in the check-in counter. Apparently, I got there 35 minutes before my flight and so they gave up my seat. F*ckers! Partly my fault too. I guess the sunday afternoon flight was in-demand. So there, I was a "no show" passenger.

It's a long story but here's the gist:
I got left behind. Reserved another ticket for Monday morning, I really had to get home on Monday because of a 230pm exam. I stayed for 1 night in Kalibo because that flight I missed was the last cebu pacific flight, 4.30pm. So, I had to look for the nearest hotel, and thank God I found one. Super. I stayed at La Esperanza Hotel, Kalibo. Then, I woke up bright and early and got to the airport even before the ticketing office opened. I couldn't take anymore chances or my Dad would have really gotten upset.

Imagine, after my very happy and jolly entry in my blog, I get left behind. Poof! I tried to stay sane, called my friends, my friends called me... man, it was like some kind of nightmare from hell. Never thought it could happen to me. And it did! I have never felt braver in my life, talking to strangers and all. Thank God everybody was so nice. Totally.

Feels like home!

Outside, the sun shines brightly, the sea is colored shades of blue. I'm here at an internet cafe in Bora... just took a break to check my savings account hehe, you never know when poverty will strike, heehee. Anyway, so far so good. I visited Fairways last night and said hi to those co-workers of mine who were doing the PM shift (FYI, that's 2pm-10pm)... and I saw Roy. He looked the same but better. I tried not to stare, but man, he is HOT! Burning! I was a raving lunatic who couldn't contain herself when I faced my roommates.. MAHGAWD!!!!Then hopped to that mongolian resto in front of the Sun Village. Chilled out for awhile with the boys... the music, the whole chillax vibe is coming back to me. This is it! I'm home!

I was all giddy and googly-eyed when I was on the boat to Cagban, the port of Bora. I couldn't believe it, I was back after almost a year... it feels so good, so right... so wonderful... gawd, if I could be an island girl all over again for two months! I think I've uncovered the mystery of why Jaybe and I didn't get fat in Bora inspite of the lifestyle we had (booze, jonah's shakes, booze, late nights, food, food, booze, fairway's milk, coffee, cheese pancakes, extra food...). For one, we were "working". At least pretending to work uom, 50% of the time, because the other half of the time we'd be at our fave hang-outs, the back of the kitchen and the "ice box" room of thebar and the side of the bar. Second, we walked a lot, partied a lot and other extra curricular activities that'll make you burn those calories. Third, there's no mcdo or jollibee here, you have to travel to the mainland to get those "luxuries". Yah, that's about it.

Anyway, I'm logging out already, my time's almost up. I'm going to go back walking and parading along the beach, oogling eyes following me... thanks to that added sexiness of a fine bead belt which my partner in crime gave me... ahluvyoubeesh!!!

Daydreaming

There is a woman, lying on the fine white sand still. She seems as if she were in some kind of trance. Just like the sound of the waves lapping on the shore, its rhythm slowly enveloping her being. The sand reflects like tiny diamonds on her loose hair, golden strands of her fine hair make her look like a goddess... her skin glistens with droplets of sea water waiting to be brought up into the sky by the sun's rays. Her face is tranquil, her lips are slightly dry from heat and the breeze. Half-buried beside her is an empty bottle of beer.

That will be me in a few days when I make another journey to a place I love, Boracay. My mind is so not immersed in school. In fact, I daydream of the glistening shore, the white sand, skimboarding and the sunset there. I'm trying to study for my business policy class, it's our exam tomorrow. It's a vain attempt really, but I might as well say I tried. I look at the clock, wishing it were friday afternoon already... I'd be boarding my flight, smiling and all giddy with excitement. I'm going back to a place I love... not even a year has passed since I last stepped foot on my beloved island. Can't wait anymore. I can't wait any longer. Paradise shouldn't be made to wait.

Toxicity and KARmA

"There is no medicine for insecurity"...

If there were, I'd go ballistic as I wouldn't have anything or maybe anybody to actually comment about haha... anyhoot, I often say that to my girl-friends whose boyfriends are uber paranoid. I know these girls, and I know their hearts, and a bit of what's in their heads, we think alike, except maybe I'm wilder but other than that, we are on the same plane.

Let's talk about Riz and her boyfriend VJ. I love Riz so much I am accepting VJ, not that it's such a biggie or anything. The guy whines, complains and is petty. Not-so-good. Atleast for me that is. Fine, he has some good traits (I mean no girl would fall naman for a guy who had no good traits whatsoever). But I am just a friend who comprehends, but that doesn't mean I have to like the entire situation right? I am entitled still to my own gawdforsaken opinions. Besides, before I feel that negative vibe, I back it up with proof of course (hell yeah!).

Evidences:
1. He traveled a gazillion miles just to beg Riz back-sweet. But, then drags his sis to our org concert to serve as a buffer zone, so atleast he won't be spurned---so not cool.
2. Visits Riz at her pad before he even goes home- the effort. But, bangs his head on the wall and says I can't live without you with matching tears, that must be the kicker.
3. We have a drinking sesh at Riz's pad, I am of course the 5th wheel... so I chat up the people, swap stories and mention Riz's work friend Mark, we're all cool. But, the boyfriend gets all petty and brings his can of beer out and smokes alone. So I am like, is it me? I'm the only addition to this party! I'm so sorry. (But deep inside, I'm like, screw you man!) So being the nice and concerned friend I go out and smoke a bit and ask the dude if he's alright. Yes, DAW.
4. I see Riz and we re-live the story of that night (FYI, it was her bday!), but I get like bummed out about her boyfriend's reason for whining during the said night, because of MARK! I mean, my gawd! Imah smack the dude!

So if I see him, I will continue to be the good friend I am to Riz, but I don't have to really pay attention to THE boyfriend ;p

My Bff (best friends forever excuse-moi!) is beautiful, simple and a tad bit shy. Can't really gauge things and she isn't exactly the expert on good conversations. So here I am playing Dr. Love (I swear, people should start paying me!). The root of all her "woes" would probably be her insecurity. She had a very very very long hiatus on dating and she's not exactly a person who gets to hang-out with so much testosterone on a daily basis, so here I am, giving her the dibs on everything.

I helped her with her man, Hans. And this Hans is a pretty

smart-macho-inconsistent-egotistic-playing-safe-mature-but-childish-a-bit-horny-am-too-good-for-girls-sort-of-a-player DUDE. Dingdong. It's a bit much for Tin, so we analyze the situation together.

My Tips?

1. Chill. Chill. And Chill. Play it cool, keep it cool.

2. We know he is worth something, but sweetie, you are worth more.

3. We are goddesses, he is a mere mortal. Worship us now.

4. Blow him off--- sometimes. Pooof!

5. Be witty, funny and sassy. Everybody loves to get that good vibe.

6. Sincerely and subtely hint that you do care. Atleast that much he knows.

7. Be positive. So what if he doesn't reply?

8. Love yourself.

9. If he does something way off, punish. Punish. Punish. You get it.

10. Be cautious. Falling in-love is out of this world, but watch the signs closely. We don't want a meteor hitting the earth hard causing devastating effects on mankind, if you know what I mean.

And so far so good. She's now doing great on her own. And I think she's getting there, an arms length to being in control of the situation. Shall I say, the reversal of fortunes (now wasn't that a movie??). She's hotter than ever and ready to burn down the house, hehe. Hail to my BFF!

It's official: You are back on track!

Maybe I should have gotten a degree in Psych. I deal so well with people, and I've always been dubbed the "sage" of the barkada (uom, sorry, I think I'm boasting here, haha), eversince HS. And now I'm in college, people do confide in me. It's a bit draining sometimes, but it's kinda like a noble thing to do. No greater satisfaction fills me when I see a friend I helped, feeling better. Besides, I think it's good karma. I am a believer of Karma. Take away the M and it spells KARA. Oohh, that's me!!! Okay, corny. Heehee. But yeah, I believe in karma. I mean my classic example is.. I don't play around, I don't fool guys, I tell them head-on when I know their chances are nil with me... it's all so tempting to play around but Karma really prevents me from doing so. And of course, the fact is that most guys are my friends so I wouldn't want to really ruin the friendship. (Did that sound just showbizzy??)

I believe in KARMA. What comes around goes around. Who knows, maybe in my next life I'll be...uom... human again I guess... or maybe a demi-goddess... the goddess of love hopefully, that sounds good to me.

Demi-Goddess Karamiaw

(actually, that's just halloween... that's kinda like my trojan goddess get up.)

With all the "karmic" forces in play...

What do you think you'll be in your next life?

That indeed is something to ponder about. Heehee.

Not dazed but confused: It's just me

Here I am, still muthfuckeen lazy. I'm trying not to think so much. But here I am, still hooked up on Michelle Branch's song " Breathe", can't get over it. I'm going through another "Am-I-inlove-phase"? Sometimes, I don't understand myself anymore. I feel as if there's like an unexplainable perpetual raincloud over my head... but here's the catch, it ain't raining, honey. Downright weird. Sometimes I blame it on the weather (btw, it's the perfect excuse to snuggle) and the Valentines air (Lo and behold, it's that time of the year!). But really, it's just me. I'm smitten. And I'm dating. And I'm not smitten with the person am dating but rather somebody who's my friend. Weird? Yah. I hope this'll pass. In the mean time, I want some hot chocklit. And some loving too.

Drunken Lovin

I spent saturday night at home, watching the lifestyle channel (ch.47 on sky, must see for all ye suzy homemakers, divas, fashionistas and whatever the hell you are, I swear I love it!!!) and texting Jaybee, my beloved partner-in-crime... well, you know me, I love my friends and I really want to help out in anyway I can. Jaybs and I were texting, love problems it seems are so in nowadays, is it because Valentines is nearing? Which reminds me... do I even have a date? Or am I stag this year? Okay, no more of that. Relationships are actually more difficult than we think. Sometimes, we dive into it blindly, maybe it's romantic to be risky and spontaneous, but camohn, there's more to that. Live with the decisions you make, don't go crawling under a rock when you don't want it anymore. It's always a choice. A Choice. So if that's what you chose, live up to it. But if you know that it's so not working anymore, be brave to say it out loud. Whining is excusable the first 5 times but after that, you have to really do something about it. That's part of the lecture I gave Jaybee. I know she'll understand what I'm saying.

I guess after a night of hopping from place to place, and then not getting enough sleep... it's inevitable that my saturday night turned out to be a sleepy lazy night. It seems to me that Friday night was adequate to cover the fun for the whole weekend. I snuggled into my warm comforter and then slowly drifted off to dreamland.

Friday night started out with drinking at Dencio's Ayala Heights (I love their sisig!! and once again, Lesto ordered pancit ligaya/happiness) until 10PM, I was with my Travel Society orgmates Lester, Dane, Jaybee, Drew and our prof Tony getting a few drinks after school. Then after that me, Dane and Drew hopped over to Ipanema, Eastwood at the Chill party of Alpha Sigma, the grand archon is Alpha, an orgmate too... Jane, Renze and Stagholder President Neil with fellow stagholder JP, Mr. Mozo (one wink for you JC!) were there already when we arrived. So we drank a couple of mixes, gawd knows what's in them (didn't bother to ask) but my gut tells me there was gin somewhere in there as I got tipsy after 3 glasses (combined with vitamin sticks of marlboro menthol lights), I mean, I did drink before I got to Ipanema. I did a little dancing with Neil, and was being checked out by the cute chinito at his back. I just smiled anyway. I saw my LCF orgmates too, sacrebleu!!! Haha. I just said hi and kinda chilled... I haven't been active since last sem as 21 units has been my priority, and another 21 units this sem is once again eating my precious time. So I went back to the table outside, started to smoke and chat with people, then I saw a long time crush. Actually, when I see him, I remember him, haha. He was still hot and who knew, Jane knew the guy. So when Jane went dancing inside with his groupie, she called me and introduced me, and she was like, she knows your brother. Haha. I'm like hell yah. He is way cuter then his younger brother.

Out of the blue I remember my good friend Roj. I was happy that he forgave me for that stupid missent text message that was supposed to be for Jaybs. Anyway, Dane was such a friend when he accompanied me when I had to leave, so I offered to buy him KFC because I was getting hungry. Dane made sure I was safe and boarded, bid toodles to him and off to Roj's place. I just had the urge to see him, I mean I was on a roll! And besides, I half-promised myself that if I did hang with him I'd stay off late night gimmiks in the next few days. So I called Roj and begged him not to sleep yet. Thank gawd when I got to his place he was still up. I even saw his sister, and his brother. I mean, you gotta give me credit for the effort of going to his house at 2am in the morning just see if we were really okay. I mean, sure I could talk to him on my cellphone but who knows, he might be making faces or something. Haha. That's me being uber paranoid. So there, I saw him, talked to him... I threw all the sweet gestures away because actually, I don't know. Maybe I was scared that I ruined something and I didn't know where to place myself anymore. But I did hold his cheek (it's like an aww moment, I really wanted to hold him, feel him, I wanted to feel my emotions through him). And gave him a hug before I left... sadly, that hug was half-hearted on my part because by the end of the night (ehm morning?), I really didn't know where to place myself anymore.

When I left I felt a sigh of relief. But at the back of my mind, I secretly hoped that everything would still be the same. I have never felt so stupid in my life. I love my friend a lot, and to do something like that, I'm glad he dealt with it really well.

So here I am, on a sunday morning, recalling the events of past nights, I would never trade anything in this world for that quick gentle touch on his face. I felt something inside of me stir, an emotion, a sad feeling... like nothing's ever going to be the same again between us.

I'm so sick of love songs- Ne-Yo

So I am screaming my lungs out singing old love songs. I'm such a sucker for them. And I am on ym... ym-ing with Jed (he's got the cutest little YM picture >>> ), one of the few new manila neighbors I know. We're now talking about food since it's supposed to be dinner time and here we are typing away... well, dinner's always late for the both of us. And i just told him about the isaw stand not being there anymore, the one near the ilang-ilang dorm. I think he felt sad. Actually, I don't know where the hell the isaw stand went. I mean, they have the best isaw in UP!

I've now switched my i-tunes to Gin Blossoms. And man, I miss my i-pod. All 20 gigs of it. It conked out on me and it's expensive to have it fixed. My savings would've dried up. Or maybe turned negative. Bummer. So here I am, with an mp3 player from my mom, one of those extras lying around the house, well, better one than none.

Hey Jealousy is a favorite, as well as Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's somewhere between chill and rock, I don't know, is that alternative? But I like the way it sounds, heck I can do a paper while listening to the Gin Blossoms album. Anyhoot, I'm getting hungry. Should I eat or should I eat? Whoops. I must be that hungry. Ciao!

Breathe

Can't get over Michelle Branch's song, Breathe. I just love it. It echoes everything I am feeling right now.

If I just breathe (chill!)
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see everything is alright
If I just breathe

All the talks are overrated (are we running out of things to talk about?)
You're not sayin' how you feel (only hinting, but that's not enough)
So you end up watchin' chances fade (I'm not waiting that long.)
And wonderin' what's real

And I give it just a little time (Waiting a bit, fine)
I wonder if you realize
I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes (I want to see that look, you know the look you give when you realize something deep and intense has overcome you)

The blue text are my comments and are not part of the song, nor am I trying to alter the song.

There's somebody I like. I'm smitten. I wish I wasn't. But I think I am. Well, the tell-tale signs are:
I smile when he texts me.
I miss him when I don't see him.
I like putting my chin on his back while watching a band play.
I attend his gigs.

I am in big trouble.

Ooh, and... I don't know what possessed me but I started getting mushy and stuff.
But I'll put it here in french and just try to figure it out. I swear. It's sweet.

Vous me permettre d'aimer. Vous savez ce serez bien.
Tout lâcher et vous permet de sent la chaleur de mon étreinte, la douceur de ma
touche, la douceur de mon baiser. Nous tiendrons la fin et ne laissons pas va
jusqu'à ce qu'il y a rien qui nous ne fait tient sur plus.

Okay okay, here's the translation, hehe. Mushy ei? I know.

Let me love you. You know it will be alright. Let go of
everything and let yourself feel the warmth of my embrace, the gentleness of my
touch, the sweetness of my kiss. We will hold each other close and not let go
until there is nothing that makes us hold on anymore.


Anyhoot, I miss my friend Jaybee... she's back in Davao right now because it was her Grandma's birthday, she's going to be back on Friday. It's kinda hard to not have my scheming buddy with me. No more laughing about Dobby and Damasow... ranting about everything that pisses us off, talking about the most mundane things like cafe food, boys, accounting, boys, boracay, boys, laziness, kissing, boys, smoking, boys, drinking, boys... and so it goes on and on.

The best part of my monday is right before I go into my 10am class of Sir A, I pass by the tambayan to exchange news with Jaybee and whoever else is there. Then I light my cig and smoke. A few minutes of chatting, then I kill my cig.When it's like 20 minutes after 10am, I drag Lesto to class with me since we're classmates. Ta~da! I am perpetually late! Maybe I should change, it's getting very obvious nowadays...

Summer Love

I fell in-love with Boracay. I fell in-love in Boracay. Wow. Talk about such a good summer man. I had the time of my life, away from the city, away from my family, away from my other friends, away from my pets, away from all the school-related activities... somehow, Boracay changed me. Its laid back atmosphere just blew me away. Sun, sand and fun.

I met someone in Bora, and it was so unexpected. He would never be someone I'd actually go for if I were in Manila. But I don't know what the hell happened. I fell in-love and it just happened. This guy who dreams the way I do, this guy who has the same passion for life like I do, this guy who knows what he wants and goes after it. I guess now that I realize it, he's kind of like me but his situation is different. I fell in love with a man who spun my world out of place. In a good way. I thought we wouldn't last till after Bora but we did... even if we didn't intend it. I fell in-love. I know, I keep repeating it but I fell in-love.

I don't know how it'll go but I'm hoping for the best.

It's your smile that gets me baby

Another day has gone by. I won't deny I am so tempted to text him. Of course, I try to focus o other things. But I am in that state, that state where you perpetually think of other things and when you don't expect it... it hits you. And when it does hit me, I kind of get a bit irritated. And after the initial irritation, I get a little tingle in my stomach. That feeling I get when I realize something important, you know, like missing someone.

Okay, I am all emo this very minute. I totally love Craig David's new song. Oh, and the song Collide by Howie Day. I just love the line: I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind.

Enough songs!

I just want to say that I miss texting him and that I'm a bit disappointed that he hasn't even texted me. Why expect in the first place? Because I am stupid. Hahaha. I want to make him realize that he misses me. And I sure do hope he does realize it. Rawr. Painful.

I'm starting to think that I am risking the wrong things.

Maybe with H it would have been great.
With R maybe it just wasn't the right time.
And B simply would have been great but it wouldn't have stability.

I finally let my feelings go with R and it wasn't as I expected.
With H, I held my feelings, and now what? What if he was the one I should have held on to?

Man. Better yet just keep going on with life. Am I sounding bitter? No. I'd just rather be careful. Very careful. I'll lie low a bit and see what happens. Maybe it will put things in perspective.

What do I like about him again?
His humor. His smile. The way he lets his unlit cig hang from his mouth which makes him look funny. The way he laughs (he sounds a bit high). That face he gives me when he disagrees. The way he says "Really?". Oh my gawd.

What the hell?

Why?

I don't know. I REALLY don't know.

Dencio's Sisig

Last night, over some beer, marlboro lights and sisig (and my bud Lester's order which is called pansit ligaya, which we call pansit Happiness) and the said pansit at Dencio's in Metrowalk... we talked about our loves. How could we not be in a such a senti mood, all the songs playing just screamed SENTIMENTAL!

Anyway, since I last wrote.. I mentioned there was a guy I wanted to kiss... well, I already did!
Omigod!

The only feeling I had after was like... I don't know but I was so happy. It's like I couldn't believe it actually happened!

Then it happened the a 2nd time again.

Then a 3rd.

But by the 3rd kiss I felt a bit silly. Nothing was really progressing so I asked point blank.
Well, I got an answer alright. We're friends and there's a little attraction. But he's still kissing me back.

So now, I dont' want to kiss him anymore. But we will still be friends. We will still hang-out and drink and smoke. But as friends only.

I'm just a bit sad that I was mistaken.
I was thinking I could get him. But apparently, I didn't get him enough.
Crap talaga.

I thought everything would fall into place!
And it didn't.
Now I'm confused. I know I can treat him as a friend. But I don't know what I will do with what I feel. Because if I close it up and forget it, it's final. No more. But I'm afraid if I do that, it'd all be a waste. And yes, I thought I was in-love with him. But I realized a few days after that I wasn't but I do have feelings. I don't know what to feel anymore.

Sometimes I ask myself why don't I just go on with life, don't bother with guys...
but when I do that, someone just comes along. And I have no expectations. And then something happens. When it does, I can't stop myself. Well either I stop myself to early or to late.

I risked it. I made a compromise. And I feel so stupid for doing something like that. I mean I finally compromise and it doesn't turn out the way I hoped it would.

At least I don't regret kissing him. Because when I kissed him, it felt so nice. So did the 2nd and 3rd kiss. I haven't felt like that for a long time. That feeling. Even if I try to describe it... words won't be enough.

So I guess I'm just going to lie low for awhile. And never kiss him again. If I do then I've probably gone crazy already. I guess that's what I'll do then, keep myself sane enough. Although I will miss kissing him.

Do you know how it feels?

I think I'm going berserk! I'm feeling something for someone. More like I think I'm falling. And he doesn't really need to do anything much because I'm smitten. I'm smitten! When I think about him I can't help but smile and want to kiss his red lips. The best I could actually do was pinch both his cheeks and silently say to myself, damn, I want to kiss you.

What the hell is he doing to make me feel this way? Whaaat? Maybe it's the way he smiles and grins. The way he laughs. The way he tries to pretend he's innocent when he's trying to play a joke on me. The way his presence can make me feel like I'm eating a hundred hershey bars.

When we talk, it seems I can tell him anything without being judged. I can share the things I want to achieve. I can tell him the very simple things that fascinate me no matter how shallow it is. With him, I'm not afraid to be me. I'm not afraid of making mistakes. I'm not afraid of admitting that I'm so clueless at times. I'm not afraid of doing what I want.

It's all about feeling free when I'm around him.

I wish I knew exactly how he felt. I mean sure, I know atleast he likes me a bit. But that's all. And for some strange reason, I do wish that I knew how he felt and at the same time it's kind of okay that thing's aren't progressing as fast as the pace of city life.

Gawsh. Am I forgetting that I can be as stubborn and unfeeling as a rock when it comes to believing that someone has feelings for me. Even if he shows that he cares, does sweet things for me, but if he doesn't say it out bluntly that he likes me, I will not assume anything. Sure I'll think maybe he likes me but to put a deeper meaning to it is something I wouldn't do.

Sometimes I am tempted to fish out details from friends but I try to restrain myself.
I' m kind of afraid that if I find out that he does like me, then it's like putting the cherry on top of the ice cream. All of a sudden I might just wake up and realize that I'm inlove with him and there's nothing I can do about it.

Okay I am so way ahead of myself. I am "secretly" hoping that I am once again right.